When life is down, you look up and the hill that you have to climb and get over can overwhelm you; and when life is up, you can see the rough, rocky road you climbed from the top and it helps you feel more accomplished. I, by no means, have achieved getting to the top, just yet, but I feel like I can look back and still be proud of the hill I have climbed so far behind me. This month is about mending, improving and cherishing all the relationships in my life and really appreciating that I have these amazing people by my side. I feel so much joy and gratitude because what I have right now is more than anyone can ask for.
I still worry about my future, where I will be and what the unknown holds, but I realized that dwelling on those worries, or what some call a “waste of imagination”, doesn’t help me get to the future any faster. Everyday is a part of me, and I have to live and love it. I do not live in the moment because I am careless and I do not care about my future, but because I yearn to stay happy by focusing on the now and the present moment.
I felt no sorrow over a broken phone, and I felt no real joy purchasing a brand new computer. It was the fact that the phone being broken temporarily made me unable to connect to those I love that made me feel a little sad. It was the fact that I can get back to writing once I purchase a new computer, which is my passion, that made me happy. It was the fact that I had someone to share with about my shiny purchase, that made me happy. It was the fact that I had people to ask for advice to see what I should to purchase that cared about my decisions in life, that made me happy. It was the fact that my parents were proud of me that I can purchase things on my own, that made me happy.
Materialistic things in life are just symbols that help us realize what we really want and need in life. But the “materialistic things” themselves are not what we really want and need in life. They come and go, “things” break, crash, can be mended, and purchased again. But those relationships, the precious human connections, and the love, hope and joy that I feel among people I care about, don’t easily come and go. They stay with you, help you grow, help you heal, and help you change. They help you through the times when we break, crash, mend or purchase those symbols in life.
I had to do a big effortful turn the last two weeks. I focused all my energy on reconnecting, remembering why life is awesome, and being passionate about love and friendship. I focused my energy on understanding and being compassionate. I also focused my energy on letting others understand me, and allowing myself to accept the compassion that I received from others. It goes both ways – you learn how to be more understanding and compassionate by experiencing it on the other end as well. I have never been good at the receiving end, especially.
I am proud of the hill I climbed these last few weeks. I look back from not the top, but from a place a little bit further upward than I was before, and I am proud of my accomplishments. It is not an accomplishment that is tangible, maybe not even explainable or quantifiable, but it is an internal, emotional accomplishment that resemble growth.
I will read this back to myself when I start to get attached to materialistic things and attach emotions to them so I can detach myself and realize, they are just symbols of real important matters in life. I will read this back to myself when I start to get tired from climbing the hill, forgetting that there will be a moment I can look back and feel accomplished. I will read this back to myself when I forget to continually try to grow by learning how to understand and be compassionate towards others. I will also read this to myself, when I start to refuse to accept the love, understanding and compassion others lend me in my own selfish, false vision of “independence.”
But until then, and for now, I will cherish this moment of true gratitude that I feel for all people in my life whom I love and appreciate very much today.